converse_allstar23's Xanga

Hard Thinking...

Sat, 05 Jul 2008 15:25:42 GMT

I feel so hurt and betrayed right now. And I love the fact that the two people who I considered two of my closest friends... the ones who betrayed me... don't even seem to care that they hurt me. In fact, they're sticking to their story that they're completely innocent. They are going to keep lying to my face until I "get over it". I don't even know how to feel about this anymore.

HER: She's my sister... so obviously, I can't just cut her out of my life. But at the same time.. that doesn't just give her absolute forgiveness either. And she probably thinks it does. She probably thinks I'll be mad for a few days, then I'll come home and start telling her secrets, make some mac & cheese for us, then take her out to a movie.. NO. The main reason I'm absolutely sure these two are lying to me is because I could see it in her eyes. HE's a terrific lier... she's not. I've known her for almost 23 years, does she really think I can't read her like a book by now?

HIM: He's gonna turn this entire thing around me.. when I did aboslutely nothing wrong. I'm the victim here, dammit! It's not fair that he expects me to not be mad and actually believe his bullshit lies this time. He thinks that by letting me tour with him and not paying me.. he's doing me a favor. Yeah, I love working for him.. but I do way more for him than I think he realizes. But he's angry, and he's gonna try to make me feel like shit... as usual. He's gonna try to make me feel like I do nothing... and that he doesn't care about me at all. He's very prideful and would rather be right than continue being my friend.

This is a very weird situation I'm in. Do I just make myself get over it and save two friendships, my family, and my career? Or should I be selfish this time and stand up for myself even though I know they're both gonna make me feel even worse by doing so?

New Ludo tour!!

Tue, 27 May 2008 17:49:41 GMT

Anyone from any of these towns? You should definitely check this band out! I love them!

Join the Ludo Ninja Street Team!

Thu, 22 May 2008 05:58:50 GMT

Love Ludo? Can't get Love Me Dead to stop playing on repeat in your head? Well they have plenty more catchy singles waiting for you. So help promote them and get further in their careers. Join the street team!

R.I.P. Bones

Wed, 12 Dec 2007 20:19:07 GMT

I remember the day we first got Bones. When I went to work, we didn't have a dog... but when I came back there was an adorable basset hound puppy in our laundry room. When I saw him, he just looked up at me with his little puppy eyes, and I fell in love with him right there. I picked him up and carried him around the house with me. I even called my friend, Bob and told him all about my new puppy. I think the voicemail I left sounded something like, "He has little puppy paws, and cute puppy breath, and a puppy whimper... i think I'll call him PUPPY!!"

Years later, even though we named him Bones... I still called him PUPPY and he responded to it. I had a strong bond with him that no one else in the family had. Mom said when I came home, he would go crazy. He'd wag his tail so hard that his whole body would shake. And he couldn't wait until I came inside to pet him and kiss him. He didn't do that when anyone else but me came home though.

I've only cared about one other animal as much as I loved Bones, and that was the Basset we had throughout most of my childhood, Abby. That's why I was so upset when I got a text from Jessica that our dogs, Charlie and Bones were both dead.

Our dogs had a habit of running away a lot... but they always come back eventually. When I let them out at 5pm yesterday, they took a little bit longer than usual to come back. But, I figured it was because they'd been stuck in the house for so long because of all the ice lately. So, when Jessica got home, I told her to watch for them and I left for the Ludo concert. A few hours later, as I was singing and dancing during Treaty of Paris' set, Jessica sent me the text.

I immediately ran outside and called her. She was crying hard. She said that when Mom came home, Jessica and Mom went looking for them. They found them a few roads down from our house, dead on the side of the street. They'd both been hit by a car. I hung up the phone and started screaming. I told Jenna and Aaron what happened as I tried to hold it together. That didn't last long, however... and I started crying and ran to the bathroom. Jenna followed me and hugged me while I bawled on the bathroom floor of The King of Clubs.

I cried a lot through the rest of the night, but I stayed for the whole show. I love Ludo, and my dogs were already dead. So, I didn't think it would help to leave and cry by myself over the loss of my dogs AND having to miss Ludo too. I think I made the right decision. I watched Ludo from upstairs because I didn't really feel like being front row in front of a lot of people. I only cried a little bit during their set. And all of Ludo hugged me. Andrew held me together and gave me a hoodie. I love him. I stopped crying for the rest of the night because Ludo cheered me up.

When I got home, the dogs were in the garage since we couldn't bury them that night. I sat next to my baby, Bones and cried my heart out and said my goodbyes.

The hardest part is knowing that he's never gonna be here to greet me when I come home late at night. I miss him already. He was quite the character but I loved him.

White Girls Can't Rap

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Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Wed, 05 Dec 2007 22:53:13 GMT

For some reason, i had convinced myself that it was ok to get drunk all the time now that i don't have a car... i mean, i don't have to drive, so why NOT get drunk?

However, i still work everyday, and have even less extra cash (especially for alcohol.. which is NOT a necessity...).

Even though i realized the error in my thinking, i still want a car asap. I'm going stir crazy!

Friday, November 30, 2007

Fri, 30 Nov 2007 23:11:10 GMT

Dear Xanga,

We've known each other for a while now, and you might've noticed a cycle in my life about how I deal with things. I take on A TON of work/commitments/responsibilities and handle it awesome for a month or two... then when I finally get a break (or even MORE responsibilities), I break down and hibernate/go into depression.

I think i'm in hibernation mode right now... not even because I've taken on very much lately. But, since I got in my wreck, I think I've dealt with it really well. I know it's my fault, and i have to take the consequences... but there's not one day that goes by that I wish I'd left 5 minutes later (I was leaving EARLY for work!! I was gonna go get gas and red bull from the gas station!) Now, simple things as getting from work to King of Clubs is really difficult.

I've had great friends who've taken care of me when I've needed them (especially lately) but I feel like I'm inconveniencing my family more than anything. (God forbid Jessica would leave a Guitar Hero party to come pick me up from work...)

The insurance just decided they're gonna give me almost $4000 for my car... but now we have to find a car, and go get it. So I'll probably be without a car for a while longer. Suck.

Ahh...i love my friends!

Wed, 28 Nov 2007 03:57:54 GMT

Ok, Ok... i know I've had negative things to say about some of them in the past. We've had really catty fights, fought over stupid guys, and stabbed each other in the back. BUT my friends are always there when i REALLY need them.

So, i got in a little car accident the other week... i'm fine but my car's not. If you know me, you know i'm not much of a homebody. So, since I've gotten in the accident, my parents have driven me to work every day and picked me up or someone from hammett house has given me a ride home. And, the other weekend..i had so much stuff going on that I just stayed in Tulsa and house hopped and got people to drive me around. Lilly, Jenna, and My Solstice were more than amazing.

After The Feds show, Jenna offered to drive me back to Claremore and just stay at my house that night AND even drive me back to Tulsa the next day, Lilly came and picked me up at 4 am!! (after I got back from stillwater with my solstice and Congress of a crow) and let me sleep at her house. Then My Solstice (Brandon & Dustin) opened up their home to me and Dustin even drove me to the radio station the next day.

I feel so lucky that I have great friends and family that takes care of me like this. I don't know what I'd do without them. I would go completely crazy if I had to just stay home and stop my life for a while until I have another car. (I'm kinda addicted to concerts, i don't know if you've noticed).

I'll be in Tulsa Wednesday night and Thursday day with Lilly, Jenna, and my sis. It might be the only time I get to go to town the whole week though. :(

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Tue, 23 Oct 2007 22:28:12 GMT

Since I'm supposed to be writing a paper right now (the only assignment I have left of college... that i've put off for about 6 months now), it's only fitting that I post on xanga, right? ..I'm such a procrastinator.

Well, The 2007 Tulsa World Spot Awards were on Saturday night. I actually wore a dress... but then forgot to bring extra clothes, which became a problem later... But I was so proud of my bands that won. P.D.A. won BOTH of the awards he was nominated for (Best Hip Hop and Best Album)...I wasn't surpised at all. I didn't congradulate him, actually...i just said I told you so. Sometimes he's so modest about how amazing he is. Also, he was the only performer who had a huge crowd of white girls rush to the stage to start dancing (and I swear it wasn't planned). Congress of a Crow won Best Hard Rock (beating My Solstice, Crooked X, and Motive for Movement).. I think we all expected Crooked X to win, but I'm glad Congress took it because they really deserved it. Citizen Mundi took Best None of the Above. I even took pictures with them afterwards. I love them. The Effects lost Best Rock to The Red Alert. I was a little relieved, because I think I was gonna go up there and accept it for them if they had won... I was nervous.

After the awards were over, I partied at the My Solstice house with them, Adam from Congress, P.D.A., Cramberg, and some other show regulars. I didn't end up going to bed until 7 am because Ely decided we should watch "Knocked Up". I was ready to pass out before the movie started, but I hadn't seen it before, so I couldn't fall asleep. When I finally made the decision to turn off the movie before it ended so I could sleep, the cat started jumping on me and trying to play. I hate cats (i'm allergic) so I was NOT happy. Then, at 9 am, their neighbor was banging on the door complaining about how loud the party had been. I quickly fell back asleep and got maybe 2 more hours of sleep before everyone woke up. I found myself laying on the My Solstice couch in a My Solstice t-shirt (which I had stolen from their merch bin in the middle of the night) and my underwear. Awesome. I went into Dustin's room and announced that I was borrowing some boxers since I wasn't wearing pants.

The guys and I layed around for most of the day since we were hungover and tired. Then, I went and stole some clothes from Lilly before I left for Wichita with Angela & Jessica. We went to go see Young Love (who are on the Myspace tour with Hellogoodbye and Say Anything). We made it there just in time to see them setting up to play! yes! The guys had an early bus call though, unfortunately, so we didn't get to hang out with them after the show like usual. Jessica had to be at work at 8 am (she didn't tell us beforehand... but whatev) so we had to drive back. Jessica was elected to drive since she hadn't been drinking. (I wouldn't have drank if someone had told me we were driving back... but again, whatev) Somehow, even though I was kinda drunk when we left the venue and I was passing out in the passenger seat halfway home, I somehow ended up driving the last hour back since Jess was tired and Angela was out cold in the back seat. Ridiculous, right? Well, we made it home fine. I was dropped off at Lilly's. I went inside and put my My Solstice pjs (what I'd worn at their house earlier) back on, then Jess called me telling me they ran out of gas a few miles down the road and were stuck at the 41st & harvard stoplight.

After bringing them gas, I probably didn't get to bed til at least 4 am. And Lilly's cat kept trying to climb in bed with me the whole night too. grr. My sister started texting me at 9 am to wake me up to come eat lunch with her at 11. My phone was almost dead, and I was sooo tired so I told her to shut up and leave me alone or i wouldn't come at 11. I think I woke back up at about 10:45. We ate barbeque, which wasn't good on my hungoverness, but it was still tasty. My phone died at 1pm or so. I bought a phone charger on my way to the radio station. And I passed out as soon as I got home from the station at 7pm. I slept until 9:30 this morning and I'm still tired.

Partying & traveling takes a lot out of you. I plan on taking it easy this weekend. Thursday, I'm working the We Shot the Moon show at King of Clubs. Friday, I'm going to see My Solstice & Congress of a Crow at Blue Dome. IF i drink it'll just be a few beers...but i'll probably just have water because they don't have a very good beer selection there. (I'd rather drink water than Bud Light any day). Saturday, working the LUDO show at King of Clubs. (I love them, can't wait to see them!!) and Sunday, I'm working the Steel Train show at Blue Dome. So, I might even get full night's sleep every night this week, and get to wear my own clothes!! haha.

Busy, busy, busy

Wed, 03 Oct 2007 04:30:39 GMT

It's only Tuesday... and I feel like it's Friday already.

Sunday: I slept in til like 4 (because I knew that's the only sleep I'm getting this week) then I had to go out to the fair to work for the Edge. I was out there with R.C. It's a tradition to eat a ton of food while out there with The Edge, so R.C. had a corn dog and I had fried veggies... we were just getting started when it started raining at like 7:30. So, we packed everything up in the pouring rain and got out of there like 2 hours early. I went up to the station and updated the concert calendar (the job I usually do on Mondays) and then helped Matt with Homegroan.

Monday: I went up to the station again for our intern meeting. Added a couple more shows to the concert calendar then helped Tucker update the Edge myspace. Then we headed out to work at the fair with R.C. again. R.C. had meat on a stick, cotton candy, and curly fries. I just had fried mac & cheese. We were out there til about 10:30pm. Then, I had to help my sister with some craziness... she was fighting with the (ex)boyfriend again.

Tuesday: Hammett House in the am (it was freakin slow) then straight to Cain's for the Sum 41 show. We had a meet & greet then a remote, then the show. Just got home about half an hour ago.

yeah... i've still got hammett house every day, then another shift (or two?) out at the fair. and like 4 more concerts (one at King of Clubs... my other job). and then Hammett House and Homegroan sunday night too.

I seriously HATE being a girl

Mon, 27 Aug 2007 21:13:12 GMT

I've spent the last half hour crying... Why? No idea!

It's just those silly girl hormones acting all crazy-like.

I actually yelled at my mom today and told her I hated her because she should've made me a boy so I wasn't like this.

I'm exhausted.